i am too enthusiastic about amazing things

Ok so like

Hypothetically

Say you Like someone and you’re kinda split 50/50 on whether or not they Like you

And you’re pretty good friends and you know them well enough to know that even if they did they probably wouldn’t ask you out Because of Reasons

Do you ask them out and hope for the best? Or, for the sake of avoiding the potential awkwardness, just not do so.

I read a post earlier that said something like “It took me a long time to figure out the difference between liking someone and liking the attention they give you”.

One of my friends has a pretty big crush on me. He’s a great guy and everything and I love hanging out with him and he makes me feel so cared about but I’m not sure if I have actual feelings for him or if I just like how he makes me feel and, well, the attention he gives me.

I’ve been considering just giving it a chance to see how it goes but I don’t know if that would be fair to him since I’m not really sure about my feelings, and not really to me either.

This internal debate has been going on for a while but it was brought into the forefront of my mind when I found out that the guy who I have most definitely had feelings for for the last like 3 years has had a girlfriend in New Hampshire for quite some time.

So I’m thinking this is a good opportunity to move on but it also might be sort of a “rebound” thing but sometimes it would be really nice to actually have someone and be with someone and I know the guy really does care about me and understand me and understand how I am about sex

But if I can’t tell if I feel anything for him, would it be worth the risk for both us?

I just don’t know what to do because I’m sad and lonely but I don’t want to feel like I’m using him or leading him on.

augh

fuck this shit

im going to sleep

it’s impossible to feel like shit when you’re asleep

Is there a way to say to someone “Hey, I kinda want to get high hang out with you, watch cartoons, and cuddle. Is there a time we can schedule that?” Like, are you aloud to do that?

Augh. I usually only feel Forever Alone when I’m on/about to go on my period. You know. Hormones.

ANYWAY

I feel so lonely. I just…

romance and kisses and companionship and cuddles and

augh

I want it so badly but I honestly don’t know how to “date”. And I’m asexual, so anyone interested in me would either have to be asexual or be willing to not have sex, more or less indefinitely. So. I guess I’m kind of stuck as Forever Alone for a while.

At least I have a cat.

    (Kind of a work in progress? Go ahead and send me any suggestions you have! I have ideas for more stories related to this one, so might be one of several I do.)

    Three figures sat around a camp fire. One sat with his back to the fire, holding a shotgun, watching the forest of burnt husks for danger. He wore a patch over his left eye and repaired combat armor. The other two sat facing each other, enjoying a meal of whatever they scrounged that day. One was a young woman with brown hair wearing leather armor. Attached to her right arm was a PIP-boy.
    Sitting across from her was quite a sight; What once may have looked like a young woman now looked like a shambling zombie. A few wisps of greenish hair came out of her head and her flesh looked rotten.
    The brown-haired woman looked up from her meager bowl of food.
    “So what’s your story, Ms. Stitches? I haven’t come across a lot of ghouls, especially not ones as friendly as you.”
    “Please Kayla, call me Sally. Anyway, I’m just the same as most other ghouls up north. Though I suppose you don’t know much about it. It’s kind of a long story…” Sally trailed off.
    “Come on, Sally, it’s not like we’ve got much else to do out here.” She gestured to the man  next to her. “Mato’s not gonna be friendly, so it’s up to us.”
    Mato didn’t respond.
    “Alright, well…” Sally bit her lip and stared at the fire. “You know Ghouls live a really long time, right? I’ve been around since before the war. I grew up way up north, in a little Navy town. I was going to college when the bombs fell. In fact, I was in class the day of. We were taking a test,  I think. When the sirens went off we did the stupid ‘hide under the desk’ thing, but everyone knew it wouldn’t work. “
    Sally paused again. She frowned a little, trying to keep her memory in line.
    “It was awful. The ground shook and there was blind light and everything was burning. I passed out at some point. When I came to… Well… There was only me. The building was in ruins, and everyone else in class… Just skeletons. Black, charred skeletons. Then I looked at myself and saw what I was and passed out again. I think I went crazy for a while. I might have gone feral if I hadn’t met Jeremy.”
    She continued to stare deeply into the fire. Sally hadn’t actually talked about her past in dozens of years. Talking about it forced her far into her mind,  making her unaware of her surroundings. Of course, she hadn’t been traveling with anyone for quite a while either. Not with smoothskins, anyway, that wanted to know about her past.
    “A few weeks after the bombs fell I was wandering around town. I was still quite in shock and I wasn’t unconvinced I wasn’t in hell. Or purgatory. Something like that. Probably hell. You don’t know loneliness until you firmly believe you’re the only person alive on earth. Anyway, I was walking around and I stopped by the beach. Navy bases are always by the ocean. I was standing there, staring at the ocean, when I heard foot steps. Foot steps! I turned around and there he was! Another person like me! We just looked at each other a while. I wasn’t sure I remembered how to speak. When our legs started working again we walked at each other and then we just… Hugged. He was in the same boat I was. We wandered around town together for a while. We talked. We became inseparable. As cheesy as it sounds, I had never been in love before. I still don’t know if it really was love or if I was just desperate for companionship or just blissfully relieved I wasn’t doomed to walk to the scorched earth alone for all eternity.”
    The fire crackled as Sally spoke. Kayla had never heard a tale like this before and her eyes were locked on Sally’s decayed face. She had heard people talk about Ghouls before. Most people seemed to hate the ghouls. Kayla could not fathom why. Sure, the ferals were dangerous, but Sally, this ancient woman, was incredible. Were all Ghouls tales like this one?
    “After a while we met a few other Ghouls in town. We decided to head onto the main-land to bigger cities to find more of us. Ironically, the wastes were safe for us back then. There were no other humans around, super mutants hadn’t wandered this far north yet, and no mutated animals had cropped up yet. We were free to move as we pleased. Anyway, we gathered up some supplies and headed out. We all traveled together for quite some time, moving from city to city, finding more and more of us. Once we were a pretty big group, we decided to head even further up north. There was a big city up there called Bellingham, and we wanted to see if there was a settlement up there. Then… everything went wrong.”
    Sally stopped again. At this point it was hard to stop talking, so much of it was just spilling out. It hurt to talk about this, though.
    “The Black Rains had passed ages ago, but crazy weather still cropped up sometimes. We were still in the Pacific Northwest, after all.”
    She smirked for a moment, remember all the awful jokes about Washington’s weather.
    “We were setting up camp for the night and suddenly a huge rainstorm him. Buckets and buckets of rain! And thunder and lightening, it seemed like the world was ending all over again. It just kept raining harder and harder. Then we heard the huge whooshing sound. We looked around to see this wall of water cascading towards camp. We all tried to grab hold of something. Jeremy and I held on the same tree husk. He… lost his grip. I held onto his hand, but he slipped out. He was just washed away.”
    Sally stumbled to find the right words. Kayla, and even Mato now, were listening intently.
    “The next day we couldn’t even find his body. We had lost a few others in our group, too. We kept traveling north. We did find a pretty decent settlement in Bellingham. I stayed there a while. Eventually I wandered off again with another group of ghouls. The wastes were getting more dangerous, though. I settled again in a tiny little place east of Bellingham. It was nice and quiet. We all stayed there for quite a while. At some point the vaults started opening up. Normal humans started wandering about. A lot of my companions were wary of them, but I helped them. Time went buy. I heard they were getting a Ghoul City together in Seattle, were the Seattle Underground used to be, so I thought I’d head there. Now I’m here.”
    Sally continued to stare into the fire, lost in though. Mato nodded his head but sat in silence. Kayla sniffed, startling Sally out of her memories.
    “Oh gosh I’m sorry! I should have warned you it was kind of sad. Don’t cry!”
    “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to cry, I just didn’t expect that! I just… Gosh. I never expected that. I grew up in a Vault!” Sally cried softly into her hands.
    “Look, lets get some sleep. Tomorrow you can tell me all about life in the Vault. I’ve always been curious, anyway.” Sally patted Kayla’s shoulder and smiled. She looked over at her other companion.
    “Hey Mato, wake me up when it’s my turn for watch. I don’t want you awake all night again.”
    The night passed.

Scientifically, I know it all has to with brain chemistry.

But what makes you pick one person over another? Like, if you have two people that are totally awesome, and you fall for one of them. Why that one? What makes him/her/ect so special?

Willie is nice to me, helps me whenever he can, gives me advice, and lets me cry on him when I need to, which isn’t often. He does his best to make me feel better when I’m upset, and keeps any secrets I tell him secret. He really is my best friend, and I do love him, but not in a romantic way.

But I worry that he… has romantic feels towards me. That seems silly to me, because he is just so great and could get ladies far more awesome and prettier than I am. It feels narcissistic to think that he would have feelings for me.

And I worry that I might develop romantic feelings for him, because, as stated, he is so great. I feel that the cliche excuse of “We’re too good of friends for that” is genuinely applicable. Sometimes, only sometimes, I have to remind myself or convince myself that I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him.

If all goes well he’ll be coming on vacation with me this summer. It’ll be fun, and he’ll get to meet my crazy family. Hopefully neither one of us make this complicated.

So there is this one guy that I have had a crush on FOREVER (like 2-3 years) and it is AWFUL. He is one of my closest friends, so we hang out pretty frequently, and he’s just so great. He’s intelligent, funny, patient, creative… and he’s asexual. And that’s actually still perfect, since I am too.

He just doesn’t have any romantic feeling for me. He cares about me and everything, as we are friends, but there is no romantic love in there for me.

I can only survive off platonic love and cat cuddles for so long.