i am too enthusiastic about amazing things

Willie is nice to me, helps me whenever he can, gives me advice, and lets me cry on him when I need to, which isn’t often. He does his best to make me feel better when I’m upset, and keeps any secrets I tell him secret. He really is my best friend, and I do love him, but not in a romantic way.

But I worry that he… has romantic feels towards me. That seems silly to me, because he is just so great and could get ladies far more awesome and prettier than I am. It feels narcissistic to think that he would have feelings for me.

And I worry that I might develop romantic feelings for him, because, as stated, he is so great. I feel that the cliche excuse of “We’re too good of friends for that” is genuinely applicable. Sometimes, only sometimes, I have to remind myself or convince myself that I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him.

If all goes well he’ll be coming on vacation with me this summer. It’ll be fun, and he’ll get to meet my crazy family. Hopefully neither one of us make this complicated.

I have written about this before, my relationship with one of the guys. My favorite way to describe was was Schrodingers Relationship. Simultaneously dating and not, and if we observed (talked about) our relationship it would stop working the same way.

I was totally fine with what we had. Sometimes I wanted to ask him what we thought we had, but I didn’t. Everything was going great.

Unfortunately, everyone else that knows us decided to ask him about “us”. Like EVERYONE. And I guess he got tired of being asked so he asked me what we were.

I explained my Schrodingers Relationship theory, said that friends was fine if that was what he wanted… “but ya know if you wanted more than that I would totally be cool with that but it’s up to you.”

And his entirely unambiguous answer was “I just want to be friends.”

So I guess now I am placed squarely in the Friend Zone. And I mean, it could be worse. I would rather have him as a friend than not have him at all.

I am kind of disappointed in myself for holding onto my delusion for so long. I’m also mildly upset with everyone bothering him because it’s kind of their fault my happy little delusion fell apart.

On the plus side I’m getting a cat soon. I can take the first step into being a Crazy Cat Lady.

I very much care about all my friends, but for only one of them I have Romantic Feelings. I believe he knows this, and I believe we have mutual, if unspoken, understanding. I like to describe us as Schrodinger’s Relationship; Simultaneously dating and not.

Now, I’m not entirely why it was this one boy that I fell for. I mean, another of the guys is more talented, cuter, and has a wealthy family. Another one of them would have been more emotionally and physically available. For whatever reason, though, it was him.

Of course, there are many things I admire about him. He is incredibly good at math. That doesn’t seem very important, but I am terrible at that stuff. He’s good at chess and strategy and logic problems. He’s much more outgoing than I am, better at talking to people. He is one of the nicest, most honest and loyal people I’ve ever met.

I feel like we do a good job of balancing each other out. We both are what the other is not, but we still have plenty in common.

He is really… weird about things, though. One of the reasons we aren’t “officially” together is that whenever I’ve brought it up before he starts over-thinking things and backs away. He has said that he doesn’t know how to have a girlfriend, and that his ADD would make it unfair to that person; They wouldn’t get the attention they want and deserve.

Honestly, though, I feel that no one is more qualified than I am for the position of Girlfriend. I can handle his ADD, forgetfulness, and crazy trains of thought.

I believe he needs me. It’s hard for me to admit, but I think I need him too.

Today I sent a friend this text: “Ok, so, imagine a Venn Diagram. One circle is labeled Friends, one Dating, and the middle bit is WTF. Tim and I have been in the WTF zone for a while. You can’t, under any circumstances tell him I asked you, but do you know any of his thoughts on the subject?”

Much to my surprise, he did.

Tim has various issues that lead him to believe he would not be a very good boyfriend. And I’ll admit, for most people that would be true. But really, I’m kind of like a professional Tim handler. I can deal with his ADD and him being really busy and strange habits and all that jazz because that’s what makes him who he is and I’m pretty sure I love him.

Another thing my friend went on to say about the subway of Tim and I was that, at one point, he did ask Tim why we weren’t dating. His response was, at the time, that he was giving me all he could. I’m ok with that. It’s not that he wouldn’t like us to “be together”, it’s just that he has too much going on and is unsure of many things.

Aaaand then on the drive to my sisters house tonight he told me he had a crush on a girl on some MLP forums he’s on and doesn’t know what to do about it. She lives on the far side of Canada from us and he knows nothing can come of it but it’s still there and it sucks.

Inwardly I was thinking along the lines of “Are you fucking serious? Are you really saying this? To me? After all this nonsense? Jesus Christ.”

Outwardly I did my best to give him advice. I told him that sometimes you just gotta deal with “unrequited love”/”not meant to be” things. Either something miraculous will happen and some good comes of it, or it just passes. And it sucks, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.

I am, of course, doing my best to follow my advice. So far I’m attempting to drown my frustrating in doughnuts and internet.

It’s just… I was so ok with what we had, after I had talked to our mutual friend. I was more comfortable with it than before. I felt confident in my place of not really being his girlfriend, but I’ll be here when he’s ready. Now I’m afraid I’m going to lose him.

It’s just not fair.

I am really bad at talking about my problems and how I feel. Somewhere along the way I got the idea that talking about my problems is the same as complaining, and no one wants to hear me complain.

And why should they? I’m not very important, what I think doesn’t matter very much.

The people I’d be talking to about my problems, though, are my friends. I shouldn’t feel weird talking to them about my problems and worries. I always want to be there for them, and part of me know that they would be there for me.

The few times I have wanted needed to talk about my problems they’ve been there for me. Helping me out when I got fired, finding a new place to live, reassuring me that The New Girl isn’t going to replace me.

I’m just not very good at using my words; I am getting better at it, though.

There’s also this: There is a fine line between being humble and having low self esteem and I kind of wobble back and forth between the two. I know I’m not ugly, I know I’m not a failure, I’m not stupid, and I know people do care about me… I just don’t know why. I don’t think I’m nearly as great as my friends seem to think.

I want to live up to how great they think I am and I’m not sure I can do it.

Someday I will get a midnight New Year’s Eve kiss